I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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