My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
