Im at strip club and am horny
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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