I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
