look no pants
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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