I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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