ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
