so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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