I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
