just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
