If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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