i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Drunk is not a location!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
