He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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