1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
