Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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