...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
