I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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