My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize