One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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