i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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