You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
