U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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