I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
