What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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