Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
