getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
