take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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