Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
