im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
