I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
