He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
