I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
