ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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