Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
