mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Is it because I queefed?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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