remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
why do cheetos always look like penises
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
