When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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