what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Let's get the cat blown out
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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