did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
