someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
