The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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