Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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