exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She's the barista slut.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
