There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
