hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
