She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
