Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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