she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize