i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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