uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
