I think I won the penis lottery.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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