I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize