addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize