Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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