The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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