She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
