He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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