I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
